Atomic Love Part I: Apoptosis

Something hit me recently. A friend told me that I am an expert “rearranger”. Her compliment made me realize that yes; I have always had a subtle obsession with changing up my physical space. I remember my pre-teen body using its full strength to push around clunky furniture in my bedroom to infuse new life into my surroundings. I couldn’t stand things staying the same, stagnant, unevolved. I didn’t plug into it at the time, but I was practicing my own version of feng shui, which is using intentional design of your physical space to bring in a focused energy. What I am coming to terms with now is that this mode of reconfiguring area and matter was also fueling my path of wanting to see all things in a new way, pulling light to every aspect of a situation. All facets of life, whether they are physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, contain within them elements of dysfunction and synergy expressed as degrees of felt resonance. Once we understand this, we can distinguish our personal truths from the noise. It appears that it is time for us to tune into a new frequency.

I have never been one to accept reality at face value. I walked the walk and talked the talk and suffered through it for most of my early life, but there has always been a voice inside whispering, this is bullshit. This theater of life with all of us playing out the expected ways of being in society, love and career has always left much to be desired for me. I remember questioning organized religion at a young age; if this is the true will and testament of an all-loving force, why does this particular interpretation of God exclude large groups of people? A Buddhist monk who has lived his entire life in meditation and service is going to hell because he doesn’t believe the same thing as a Lutheran? Give me a break. Blind faith in all matters concerning a right way to believe and live in this world is nothing more than the proverbial boot on our heads, an infinite tug of war with no winners. I have felt the weight of this externality my whole life. And now, we seem to have reached a social apex.

Many of us have tapped into an awareness that there is something major happening at this moment in time. The layers of reality are being lifted, shifted and rearranged. Truth and lies are emerging, not only in the political sphere but also, in the depths of our hearts and souls. The great societal purge in the theater of life is coinciding with our own dark sediments stirring, rising to the top, begging to be skimmed off for good. We are detoxing the individual so that we may also cleanse the collective and vice versa. The result of this mass clearing is one big quantum soup of fear and purposeful chaos. Turn on cable news or open up social media and tune into the energy of the now. It is as if millions of inner children are kicking and screaming for their favorite toy back. It's an epic battle between past and future. Head and heart. It seems like a world gone mad, but it’s simply a reflection of our primal hunger for a new way to exist. We are experiencing a cultural cell death. Mestastic patterns are manifesting and combusting, to make room for the growth and evolution of a new social organism. What does this have to do with love? Everything. How we embody love is at the root of how we relate to our world. And all organic systems, down to the microcosm of life are based on relationships.

Love is a loaded concept. Unfortunately, it has become directly attached to intense physical attraction, candle-lit dinners, diamonds, dream homes and shared bank accounts. I’m sorry to burst the giant pink bubble, but I am awakening to the reality that love is absolutely none of this. Atomic love; the penetrating, soul purifying, all-encompassing, not-of-this-world variety just IS. We don't need a ring to capture it. It is within each of us and it's exact resonance will be matched when we unburden our souls enough to feel it. With this new love, there are no manipulations, or future calculations. Many typical romantic love relationships start out as a tsunami of emotion, sated physical desires, perceived alignment and then after the hormone storm passes and the brain chemicals fade a few months or years down the road, this old love becomes a getting game. Are we getting our needs met? Are we getting enough love? We all tell ourselves in the beginning that this relationship will be different, but will it really? What we don’t comprehend, and what no one taught us is how to access our wholeness. Of course we have all heard at one point or another that you have to love yourself first, but how many of us truly know how to do this? Fully and completely? Although the majority of the advice out there on how to love ourselves is nice and can feel good, it’s so much more than treating ourselves to bubble baths and massages. 

Becoming aware is a great place to start. Affirmations and self-care will get us on the road. But, ladies and gents, there is a lifetime of work to be done. The goal? Full embodied personal sovereignty. Imagine feeling so completely soul connected and fulfilled that we would have no fear of being alone for the rest of our lives. Our main motivation becomes the unearthing and evolution of self. We are open to all of life. All growth is welcome and viewed as a way to self-betterment. Even if it means allowing relationships to move in and out of our lives like waves instead of imposing external ego control via social contracts and unrealistic fairytale expectations. This isn't about promoting hippie free love either, far from it. We make commitments of personal integrity, but also accept the transitory nature of our world. We practice being a well of love instead of siphoning love from others because of our own cracked foundations. Does this seem out of reach? It’s not. But, it’s a spiritual path not often traveled in our current love paradigm.

How would our lives look if we had no need or desire to take from another human? What if we dropped the habit of boxing up love into categories and timelines? What if we stopped assessing the depth of our love based on the degree to which we have sequestered someones else's freedom? What if instead, we allowed the unlimited love inside of us to flow, without restriction, without expectation, and witnessed how everyone could be elevated into their highest soul expression by love free from right angles and unspoken agreements? What if we could completely let ourselves go in love? Do the nutrients in our food stop before they hit our intestinal tract and question whether our body deserves cell nourishment?  Do we bottle air because we are afraid that oxygen may leave us one day? Love is the most natural thing in the world. Nature is love in action. Maybe you believe that this level of love is impossible in the modern human world, but I digress. I am growing into it more every day. So, what is true unconditional love?

“True love is an ever-evolving and ever-expanding truth, which comes with no guarantees except perhaps for reverence... It has no rhyme and no reason yet remains steadfast, unchangeable and abiding. There is nothing our love can do or say to change how we feel inside; there is nothing they could show us that would make us love or respect them any less. True love comes to us quietly with a stability of emotion. It is not an impetuous passion driven by sentimentality or emotionalism, but rather an element of calm and depth which quietly slips into our life and which peers deep into our soul. There is no bargaining or compromise with true love. True love is a spiritual process, which connects us with our higher self and everyone else at soul level. True love comes from God. It is divine love, regenerative and unbreakable.” ~Jonna Douce

Now, we can take this beautiful quote above and direct it at another person, but we must first lavish it upon ourselves. If we truly desire the ability to unconditionally love another, and not just the "I watch chick flicks because I love her" or "he buys me jewelry because he loves me" or "we make a great team" variety, but instead, the most freeing, expanding, eternal, soul-bonded, no rules BIG LOVE. If we really want this kind of love, we have to embrace ourselves to the core of our being. And this requires unyielding self-exploration to find out who we really are. This means discovering ourselves beyond our job, our age, our religion, where we live, our marital status, or our culture. Strip all of those illusions away and ask;  Who are we at our purest, most basic chemistry?  What drives us? What were we like as a child? What are we here to change? To teach? How will we serve humanity? What is blocking our spiritual evolution? There is no other way. There is no halfway. We have to go deep. We need to be willing peel all the layers to reveal our naked and tender souls if we want to move into the new love. Heaven on earth. Envision how the world would be if everyone was working towards this.


Now we may be asking ourselves, what’s in it for me? Because this is how we are conditioned in this culture. Well, how about emotional freedom? The liberty to do, say, live, our true authentic love-filled selves without a thought or care of being judged or chastised? The only thing keeping us from total freedom is us. To be more specific, we allow our unconscious social programming to run the show. This is the love model we learned from every life experience up to this point. It’s a heady mix of parental imprints, societal restrictions and personal choices based on all we know up to the present moment. We may have heard the idea of relationships being a mirror to our deeper selves, to our woundedness. Sadly, most people do not take advantage of this great opportunity to learn more about themselves through relationships. It becomes about blaming the other person rather than looking inside and asking; Why am I attracting this energy? What is the source inside of me for this reaction I am having? 

Instead, we choose comfort and control. Don't ask, don't tell. Push it down and away. Happy wife, happy life. We keep applying relationship bandaids with more money and more stuff. Just like our Western medical model, our interpersonal therapies only appear to treat symptoms. We use lack of time, our jobs, our children, addictions, safe ego-based relationships, and every other possible excuse and blockade to postpone facing our soul's true yearning. Spiritual growth is rarely comfortable or easy. Following the depths of our hearts is often saying goodbye to the constructs of our current life. And yes, it is really freaking first. It takes a warrior mentality to persist through a blazing fire with only a glimmer of hope for phoenix-like resurrection on the other side. I realize that this sounds intense, but what is even more painful is wasting our time in the safety of ego and aborting or delaying the mission we were born to do. For many, like myself, it takes something major like a divorce to wake up and go within. Often, it calls for complete and total annihilation to direct our attention to beauty at the root of it all. Contrast.

Ironically, ego crucifixtion becomes the path of least resistance once you become accustomed to universal flow. Our souls naturally want to move and expand, which is why relationships that aren't evolving with us will always feel like a cage. I study functional medicine. In this modality, we are taught to question the cause of the cause until you arrive at the root cause. Solitude granted me the time to do this; Why can't I find a relationship? Why do I feel that I need a relationship? What is missing from me that I seek to find outside of myself? Why can't I simply meet my own needs? Turns out, I can!

My marriage was a gift, my divorce was a gift and the three years of self-reflection that followed have been by far, the greatest gift of my life. I am stronger in all ways because of this sabbatical. I want to share what I have learned and spread the word; unconditional love is real and possible. This is part one of a series where I will explore the new love template based on my inner and outer adventures over the last few years. From the comedy and tragedy of post-divorce dating to energetic bonding, kundalini rising, and musings on our spiritual future as a society. All of which propelled me further toward my mission; to promote life detox through body/mind/soul reclamation, and revealed my new definition of true love: 

True love is not bound by the physical. It’s not defined by time, space or metal. True love is limitless and free. Once you have experienced this kind of love, there is no going back.

I'm putting my rearranging skills to task with this thing called love. We will traverse the terrain of relationships, finding connections with epigenetics, quantum physics and psychology. We will discover how the current love model feeds on the world of separation we live in, and access practical tools to transcend this towards living more fully as our higher selves every day. I am still learning how to do/be this new love, so let's learn together. The great thing about it is that unlike the old way, there are no hard and fast rules. We can create this as we go. Shall we dig in and see if our current practice of love can evolve with us? It's time to plant the seeds and birth a love revolution! 

Stay tuned for Atomic Love: Part II | Biotransformation ~Sasha